I can’t believe it’s been a month since I thought I would be holding a baby in my arms come the summer.
I can’t believe it’s only been a week since our whole world was shaken.
It’s amazing how small moments can completely rock and change our world. How life can COMPLETELY change in an instant.
I’ve had over a week and I haven’t cried in several days. The time does make it easier, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I don’t know that I’ve taken the best road to healing and I don’t know that there is a perfect way to heal. I believe we all heal in our own ways.
Right before November 19th I got a light pink positive on a pregnancy test. On November 19th, I received a darker pink line and felt comfortable telling Steve that we were expecting our first baby.
I did everything right
I started taking my pre-natal vitamins immediately
I limited my caffeine intake
I kept my workout schedule the same
I ate healthy foods (although I upped my carbohydrate intake it was the easiest to eat some days)
I didn’t have a lot of morning sickness or any sickness, although had random bouts of nausea
I did have some soreness and I was tired ALL the time
ALL THE TIME – guys going up the stairs was hard.
But it was all worth it to think that we’d have our first baby on the way.
This was the first month we had tried so we were definitely taken by surprise. Our worlds were quite rocked, but in those few weeks we’d already been planning and thinking about what was to come. We came up with names (which will carry on to our future child) we’d come up with plans for the next few months. We had dreams of what this would look like in the months to come. It has always been difficult for me around the holidays – we have wanted a baby for a few years but did not feel ready financially. But seeing the baby announcements that come at this time of year, they were difficult knowing we were held back by our circumstances. I’ll admit I felt responsible for not making enough money with my full time job and online business. Afraid we couldn’t afford child care and felt that If I was working JUST for childcare it felt silly to even work BUT we couldn’t afford for me NOT to work.
But now the announcements sting even worse. They sting with the pain of what could have been. I planned out our announcement. When it would be and how it would be.
That was the hardest part was letting go of the dream and the excitement. The other hard part was not having an answer or anything i can control. I am a fixer and I want to fix things. You sit there and think of everything you did wrong. DID you have too much coffee? Was that glass of wine to blame? Should you have started pre-natal vitamins earlier? Did you push yourself too hard in your workout.
The truth is NONE of those things caused it. It’s not punishment for past choices. It is something that happens. It is our bodies way of taking care of us when things aren’t going right. After talking to many women, have this weird feeling that if we had known we could have changed things, if we had known could we have fixed anything. But we can’t zip and unzip DNA. We can’t change how chromosomes aline, and more often than not, that’s what happens this early on.
Google can be a help or a harm. It can be a support or an enemy. I immediately turned to google to find out when I could conceive again. Thinking I could just fix it by starting over. I felt bad for feeling that way, that replacing what I lost would fix the whole in my heart. But the thing is, it gave me hope, and it gave me courage, and it gave me something to focus on.
When i reflect on the pregnancy, deep down I had a fear or a knowing something would go wrong. I waited a while to be sure that’s what was going on. It took a few days longer than I thought to get a positive digital test after having the pink lines. I told family members and only a few close friends in case anything happened. I don’t know if it was fear or intuition.
The trouble is, now I fear I will fear EVERY positive test I get. That I will fear losing that pregnancy. That I won’t ever feel safe again while expecting. I won’t ever have that joy again, because it can’t be repeated but it also can’t be replicated. But I also know that the rainbow after the storm, the rainbow baby as it would be called, will be the all the sweeter, will be cherished.
I’ve heard from a few people that I will cherish this next baby more. I don’t know that that’s fair, to think that I will cherish a future baby more because of a lost pregnancy. I don’t know a mother’s love for a child, but I imagine it is unconditional and unmeasurable no matter what. Loss or no loss. I believe people try to send you sympathy and try to send you love. Many do it right, but some people don’t know the right things to say and often say things that make it worse. The problem is there IS no right thing to say to someone grieving other than that you are there for them and you have them in their thoughts. Telling them to be grateful for what they have is rude. Telling them that you’ve had something worse happen to them is horrible. Telling them how to feel or how to grieve is the worst. And I understand that knowing what to say is hard as f**k. I get it. Just, it’s just all hard. K?
In order to help myself go on I’m not focused on the next step and trying to conceive quickly. It seems many women who conceive in the next 6 months after a miscarriage carry healthy babies to full term. Some still miscarry but it seems that that is always the risk no matter what. I’ve read some mixed opinions on whether you are more fertile after a miscarriage or not or how long that fertility lasts.
I struggled a lot with whether I wanted to share this or not because I had wanted to do this BIG fun post with a reveal and a surprise. BUT I have since decided that I would much rather share this journey with you than have one cute reveal. I’d rather share the pain and the excitement together. I’d rather have you all pulling for me than wondering in the dark.